Monday, August 30th, 1999 - Being Gay Without Coming Out
Taking someone aside and saying the words "I'm gay" is one way to come out to someone. Another, better way is to be comfortable enough with who you are that you just simply be who you are. Without having to verbally say that you're gay, people will realize it. That's how it is with my sister. I've never told her that I'm gay, but I think she's coming to realize it. Since coming out to my parents, I no longer make a point of hiding the gay-oriented magazines that I read. I no longer hide the gay-oriented films I rent. They're in my room. (Actually it's her room, but I envaded it after she moved out). My sister comes in my room to use my computer. Thus, my sister sees this stuff. There's no need to say the words "I'm gay" when she sees a copy of XY Magazine on my desk with the words "Summer [Please Don't Tease The Straights]" written across the back of a guy wearing nothing but slightly-sagging shorts. If I was in the closet I would have hid that magazine in a drawer where I was sure no one could see it, but I'm sick of the closet. So, I really don't care who sees what I'm reading. The point is, I don't feel a need to come out to my sister because I'm already out to the world. If she's not sure, and she confronts me I'll tell her the truth of course. But if she never says I word about it, I'll assume she already knows and have no problem being myself around her. If I had a boyfriend I would have no problem telling her about him. If she's homophobic, she hasn't shown any signs of it. The bottom line, it's just good to be out without having to come out.
Monday, August 30th, 1999 Part 2 - Reading On Sexuality
Last week I got a gift certificate from barnesandnobles.com and a gift certificate from amazon.com. Both of them were $10 off of a $25 purchase. Well, I'm a sucker for gift certificates so I used them both. But today all my books came in the mail. It's so cool to get packages. One package is great, two packages is amazing. I got two books on gay relationships, two humorous book taking a look at gay life, one book of gay short stories, as well as the book we are supposed to read for September's gay&lesbian reading group at Barnes
and Nobles. I don't know why I decided to get so many books with
gay themes, I do enjoy reading about other things, but I guess I was in that type of a mood when I ordered them. Then I went and took my movies back and rented 5 more (5 for 5 for 5 special) and again they were all from the gay&lesbian section of the video store. It's odd. It's not odd, but it's odd. I seem to be going overboard with the gay themes. And then I was at the gym and I was thinking "that guy's gay"
and "that guy has to be gay" and "that guy might be gay." It's wierd, I'm acting like I'm gay. I have to stop this before I become gay. Okay, I'm partially speaking tongue-in-cheek, but there is more to life than just my sexuality. Maybe it's just my time of the month.
Monday, August 30th, 1999 Part 3 - The Adult Bookstore Experience
Oh yeah, then, wierd story. I went out to take some library books back and on my way home I wanted to get a copy of the Advocate Magazine. Normally I buy the Advocate magazine from Barnes and Nobles, but B&N is in Mishawaka and I was in Elkhart. So instead I go into the "Adult Emporium" because they were the closest thing to our house and I know they carry gay-oriented magazines (yes, adult book stores carry more than just pornography, surprise). I get to the check out counter and this old guy (like 45) is trying to pick me up. ("Do you live alone?" "You should come in more often." "Are you sure you umm, don't want anything else umm like my phone number?") He saw that I was in the gay section of the story and assumes I want to have sex with him? That, my friend, is queer. As if I'm going to have sex with someone 20 years older than me. Yeah right. I may not have the best integrity in the world, bu I do have standards. If you're more than 3 years older than me, let me tell you, I am not interested. But even if he was cute and 22, I would not be interested, not every gay man is interested in one night stands. Oh well, I just said a "no thanks" and left as soon as possible. I have nothing against adult bookstores, but this my friend is why I drive the extra 10 minutes to get my magazines from Barnes and Nobles.
Tuesday, August 31st, 1999 - Finding A Boyfriend
I was laying in bed this morning contemplating getting up and starting my day. I had slept in until like 1 in the afternoon. I wasn't really tired, but I was certainly enjoying laying there in bed doing nothing. Plus, although I never can remember my dreams, I knew they were good dreams, and the thought of returning to them was tempting. But I wasn't that tired. Instead I saw the stack of books beside my bed and decided to read for a little bit before getting up. I had just got a several books from barnes and nobles.com in the mail the day before and I like to preview every new book that I get (read a chapter or two). The book that I pick up is "Husband Hunting: A Gay Man's Search For Mr.Right" or something like that. I started reading it and it was a very funny book and said a lot of good things. But then I thought about the whole irony of the situation. Here I am, pathetic as hell, laying in bed at 1 in the afternoon, reading a book about finding the man of your dreams. If I'm so desiring to find a boyfriend the first thing I have got to do is cut the lazy ass crap. I just had to laugh as I laid there in bed. It was too funny. Now, I may not be having much luck meeting guys (my age and type) in this area, but sleeping in until 1 or 2 in the afternoon is not exactly a step in the right direction. I should have been out looking for a part time job. Oh well, we will see how tomorrow goes.
Tuesday, August 31st, 1999 Part 2 - Pornography and Secret Lust
When I was in denial about my sexuality I had no trouble at all staying celibate. It was so easy to say "yeah, I'm a virgin and I'm going to stay that way until marriage" because the thought of sex with a woman did not turn me on at all. I had seen my dad's Playboy magazines, but they didn't do much for me. I had watched his porn videos and frankly they were gross. Vaginal sex was such a turn off. Sex with women in general just didn't excite me. (Sorry girls). I guess that should have been an obvious sign to me that I wasn't straight, but I was in deep denial and believed that everyone was heterosexual at heart. I told myself that I was turned off because I didn't want to have sex before marriage and these people were having, shame on them, sex before marriage. Well, in late high school I found gay porn on the web. I haven't met too many guys in their late teen years who weren't into porn. Most girls don't seem to have this problem, they think porn is gross, but guys love it. Well, I don't know what I think about pornography. Sometimes I go after it and sometimes I walk away from it. It's a wierd thing. Anyways, I remember once on the bus in 9th grade a kid was talking about how he and a friend were watching one of his dad's porno tapes. The kid says "of course we had to fast-forward through all the blow jobs." I thought to myself, "that kid has got to be lying, he just wants to appear macho" because when I watched porno tapes I fasted forwarded through everything but the oral sex scenes. I don't know why nothing clicked and told me "you see, you're not like them, you're different" but I convinced myself that he was just lying to appear more macho. I thought every kid looked at other men the way that I did and just wasn't admitting it. I remember a time in sixth grade when a girl said "don't you think that guy is cute?" and I responded how I had been taught, "guys don't think like that", but in my mind I was thinking "absolutely." I knew that girls would often compliment other girls and say "she's pretty", so I thought guys must think the same thing and just not admit it. I figured it was the same way with other things to, they must have had the same feelings that I was, but just didn't admit it. The macho image thing. I learned to have a macho image and deny my feelings. So, when I started looking at guys in porn or in the locker room, I convinced myself that when I was looking at other men lustfully I was just "seeing if I sized up." To keep this macho image and denial I learned quickly not to look at other men lustfully. Which was probably a good thing. If I was in a locker room or public shower, or even a restroom, I learned quickly not to let my eyes wander. In fact I learned this lesson in 7th grade. After gym class we were required to take showers in a community shower. After a shower early in the semester I found my eyes staring at another guy who had just came out of the shower. He saw my gaze was fixed and said "what are you looking at, are you gay?" I was taken aback by his accusation that I was gay and returned it with an immediate "no" and hurried up getting dressed and left. I still remember that, and from that day I made sure that I never stared at another man because I didn't want someone to think I was gay. To this day if I catch myself starting to look, I look away immediately. Perhaps that's why I got hooked on gay porn in high school. I could stare and not be accused of being gay. And yet, how in the world did I not consider myself gay? Easy, I was taught in church that everyone is straight. I believed I was straight and was just sinning. I wasn't gay, I was just either always "checking to see if I size up with other men" or I was just "being tempted by homosexuality", but I reassured myself that I wasn't gay. I loved looking at naked men, but I wasn't gay? Okay, so I was really stupid as a teenager, but homophobia causes strong denial. Now I'm 22 years old and I've come out of the closet about being gay and I'm the prime of my sex drive. So, now what do I do?
Wednesday, September 1st, 1999 - One Month
Today is the one month aniversary of the opening of this site! In honor of that, I don't think I'll write a journal entry.
Thursday, September 2nd, 1999 - Sex
Okay, I don't know why, but lately the only thing on my mind has been sex. Part of me wants sex now, but I know that I really don't. Sex complicates life. What I really want is a boyfriend. But you can't go out and get a boyfriend. You can go out and get sex, but you can't go out and get a boyfriend. But I've never been turned on by the though of sex with a stranger or a one-night stand. I know where to go if I want sex. And I do want sex. I've never bought into the idea of waiting until marriage to have sex. I can see the point, but I'm not sure I buy into it. Yet, I don't want to have sex. I've never bought into the idea of having sex for the pleasure of having sex. I can see the point, but I'm not sure I buy into it. I'm more into the idea of having a relationship, bonding with someone, and then having sex. :) So what do I do in the meantime while I'm single... Well, I just downloaded Lou Bega's Mambo #5.mp3, so I guess I'll go play that song.
Thursday, September 2nd, 1999 Part 2 - Inside/Out Closet
For some reason I still feel like I'm not out of the closet at home. It's like a taboo subject around the house. It's sad, but oh well. I'm not looking back. I've changed my window's wallpaper to a picture of two guys hugging. I want to hear what my sister says when she sees it. Ah, I push myself to have fun with it.
Friday, September 3rd, 1999 - Honest To God
I lie a lot. Which is why I'm sort of surprised by my honesty lately. Things that I would normally hide, I'm not hiding. Like even in this journal... I realize this journal might be read by people that know me, and this week I wrote about things that I normally wouldn't even talk about. Did I really admit I've watched and read pornography? Oh my god, what about my perfection-front that I'm supposed to hold up? Occasionally when I'm online in the chat room #christian I'll use the nick Pretending2BHoly because when you're in #christian you do have pretend like you're perfect. I hate that room. I absolutely hate #christian. Everybody's perfect in #christian. Nobody's sinned in #christian. When I'm myself in #christian, I get banned. So if I do go in there for some reason, I pretend to be holy, and so does everyone else, and I usually don't get banned. It's the same way with some churches. My god, I did a survey of males between 16 and 24... I couldn't find a single christian who hadn't viewed pornography of some sort in the last 2 months. And they tell me "Jesus can set you free of anything." Why isn't he. I'm not talking about myself, because I told you, I don't even know I could consider myself a christian right now... but why doesn't Jesus set others free if that's what they claim he does. Why doesn't he. "They must not want free". Bull shit answer. Anyways, how'd I get on this topic? Oh yeah, honesty. LOL, it's ironic as hell, but to appear to be holy you have to lie, but if you decide not to lie, the truth shows that you're not near perfect. And obviously, we all know nobody's perfect, so why the hell do we try so hard to appear perfect? I don't know. I'm not saying everyone should confess their sins, call it a party, and indulge. That's stupid, but cut the crap. And then we (meaning I) put up fronts and pretend to be someone I'm not when I'm meeting people. .... You should never take a two hour break in the middle of a journal... I forget what I was writing about, so I think I'll quit typing now and go to bed anyways. I don't think I was making sense anyways. I'm in a bad mood.
Friday, September 3rd, 1999 Part 2 - This World Of Mine
It's 5 hours later. 5 am. I didn't go to bed. I spent a few hours in #christian debating with christians over whether God is who they say he is. I think the God of the Bible's a bastard and they think he's great. -- Then I watched a movie. Just got over. Called "Johns", Best damn movie I've seen in a long time. About a male hustler and life on the streets. -- They told me God is holy. and loving. and faithful. and just. and merciful. -- John is dead. Father was a doctor. Father said, "get out of my house." No faggot for a son. Doctor's son is tomorrow's trash, trash gets picked up, dumped in the city. No money, no support, all you have is your body. Street corner becomes your local pawn shop when all you have left to sell is your dick. It's good money if you can survive. -- Or if God's on your team and the other. Bible has Numbers chapter 31 marked as "and God told Moses, tell them that vengence is mine." -- "100 bucks cash, up front. Are you a cop?" -- "kill all the boys, but save the girls for yourselves." horny? This is the Lord speaking. -- People kill for sex. If you're on God's side you get the sex. If you're on God's hit list, Numbers 31, you get raped. or killed. Street trash, prostitute, whose side are you on. Laugh-out-loud, you think you have a choice. You can't pick whose side you're on. The Lord said die faggot. -- Jesus loves you. don't believe me? read your old testament "kill all the boys, but save the girls for yourselves. And any women who have not had sex, you can save for yourself." God loves you. You get sex. Virgin sex, no less. $100 up front. -- #christian says, that was OT.
Too many people OD on the OT. -- God is love, "kill all the boys". God is just, "plunder the towns." God is merciful, "keep the virgins for yourselves, Moses". Party up in heaven. Only the good die young. "kill all the boys." Aren't you afraid of hell? "fags go to hell" -- daddy here said, get out. Daddy there said, get out. -- The streets are a dangereous place, when God's in control.
Saturday, September 4th, 1999 - Bored Cynic
Today wasn't the best of days. Boredom led to cynicism. And cynicism put me in a bad mood. An encounter with dogmatism (on irc) reinforced the cynicism which heightened my bad mood. And well, I don't feel like writing, and Undressed just came on, so I think I'll go watch that and I'll work on changing tomorrow.
Sunday, September 5th, 1999 - You Don't Understand
Okay here's the deal. I've been depressed lately. I feel like I'm in
France. From what I've read France is outwardly accepting of gays and lesbians, but inwardly they're still homophobic. That's how this house is. My parents say they accept me, but I think they still hate the fact that I'm gay. They wish it wasn't true, they wish I hadn't told them, they wish I could change. At least that how it feels. I watched a video yesterday called "Growing Up Gay and Lesbian". It was a documentary discussion by author Brian McNaught. I cried during just about the whole hour because everything he was saying was so true. He was talking to a group of mainly heterosexual parents trying to get them to understand what it was like to grow up gay and lesbian. And I guess I learned what my parents must be thinking about me as I watched it too. There are so many misconceptions out there. Everytime the subject of homosexuality comes up around my mother she jumps to sex. "I keep reading in the paper how those gays go to the park to have sex. You know you shouldn't do that, there are better ways to meet people." When I tell her I'm meeting a friend or want to go somewhere where they might be gay persons, she asks "Are you sure they don't just want to have sex?" I hate bringing up the subject of homosexuality with my mother because it always leaves me feeling depressed by the fact that she doesn't understand. And obviously how I can expect her to understand, she isn't gay, she doesn't have any gay friends, the only gay people she hears about are: "I keep reading in the paper how those gays go to the park to have sex." I'll admit, sex has been on my mind this week. But I'm not having sex and don't want to have sex until I'm in a relationship. I wish my mother would watch that movie with me, or go to a P-Flag meeting, it would mean so much, but I don't want to push her into anything she doesn't want to do. I just feel bad because she doesn't understand, and she says she wants to understand, but she doesn't seem to want to understand. I asked her if she might watch that movie with me and somehow her answer was "I keep reading in the paper how those gays go to the park to have sex." I don't get it. Why do heterosexuals think gays are only interested in sex. Doesn't my mother know me well enough to know that I'm not like that. Well, it's Sunday, I didn't go to church today either. Tomorrow's labor day, I don't have any plans, they got cancelled. I don't know what to do. I don't feel like doing anything.
Check Out Last Week's Daily Journal
|