Sunday, August 22nd, 1999
I made it to church today and enjoyed the service. I almost overslept
but I woke up at 10:00 and rushed out the door. The service doesn't
start until 10:30, but it takes about 25 minutes to get there. I was
only a few minutes late. The sermon was good. Our pastor talked
about the time when Jesus compared a samaritan woman to a dog
(Matthew 15:26 etc). Few pastor's would have the courage to discuss
this passage where Jesus behaves so out of character that you one
might even consider his behavior rude and ethnocentric. But this
pastor never seems afraid to tackle the tough passages of scriptures.
The passages that don't make sense. Often she has to admits that she
doesn't know what to make of everything. But the point of her story
was not that Jesus was a sinner, but that we need examine how we treat
people who are different from us. The story doesn't stop at Jesus
calling this woman a dog, he then heals her and then goes on to heal
many more people on a mountainside. I personally don't know what
to make of the story of Jesus and this Samaritan woman, but I do know
that name calling is not in the character of Jesus. Jesus was acting
like any Jewish male of his day would have acted when he called her a
dog worthy of nothing. But later on you see Jesus healing many people
who are different from him. Perhaps Jesus learned something from
talking with that woman. (these are my own thoughts, not my pastors).
Perhaps we can learn the same thing. Society teaches us that people
that are different from us aren't as good as we are. It's the basis
for sexism, the basis for racism, and the basis for homophobia. If
Jesus was able to overcome the stereotypes of his day, shouldn't we
try to do the same? Can't we work to bring healing to all people
rather than just those that are just like us?
Sunday, August 22nd, 1999. Part 2
After church I didn't do a whole lot. I did talk to one of my best
friend's Derek online for a while. He's taking the news that I'm
gay really well. He was very surprised by the news, but he's been
great and assured me that nothing has changed between us, he's still
one of my best friends. I'm very happy.
I sent an email to my pastor down in Anderson telling him that I'm
gay as well. I would have rather told him in person while I was up
there, but I never did get in contact with him. A lot of people
probably wonder why I feel the need to tell people that I'm gay.
First, we live in a very heterosexist society, where people assume
that everyone is straight. People ask if you have a girlfriend.
The assume that you are straight unless you explicetly state that
you're gay. Second, by coming out you reduce homophobia. Before
realizing that someone close to them is gay, people don't even think
twice about the comments that they make. They make gay jokes and
slurs without even realizing that they're doing it. As soon as
someone close to them comes out, they think twice next time a
homophobic remarks starts to be made because now they have a face
attached to homosexuality. Thirdly, I come out ot people because I
don't feel like I'm being honest with them if I let them continue to
assume that I'm straight. So, that's why I tell people close to me
that I'm gay. And I have to say it's good to be out.
Sunday, August 22nd, 1999. Part 3
I realize that I've wrote a ton today. But oh well. I just wanted
to write down that I did make it to see a couple movies today. My
mom wanted to go out and see The Sixth Sense, so I went with her and
saw it. I'd give it about 3 out of 5 stars. It was a good movie,
but it was slow at times, boring at times, unrealistic at times,
and dizzing at times (I hate how they can't hold a camera steady). We
then watched a movie that my mom had rented called "The Crule Blah."
It was very boring. Don't waste your time. We just didn't have much
luck with movies today. Oh well. My dad finally made it home
tonight from Pennsylvania. He had to rush right off to work, but
I'm glad he made it back safe. Tomorrow I'll call the Americorp
programs in Elkhart and South Bend and see if they have any openings
and see if it's possible to look into them. Things are moving
fast. This is the summer of big changes for me--graduated college
this summer, came out of the closet this summer, spiritual life
challenged and changed this summer, job outlook changing this summer.
It's a good summer.
Monday, August 23rd, 1999.
I called the Americorp programs in South Bend and Elkhart. The lady
at the Elkhart program wasn't in her office so I left a message and
hopefully she'll call soon. The man from South Bend said they were
waiting to hear if their program had been approved for the needed
funding and would let me know as soon as he found out. The lady from
the Pendleton Americorp called and we have an interview set up for
tomorrow at 1. So I guess I'll go down to Pendleton in the morning
and see how it goes. Of the three programs, the South Bend one sounds
the best, but they don't know for sure that the program is going
through! I would hate to turn down the Pendleton program and then
find out the South Bend program doesn't go through. I haven't heard
enough about the Elkhart program to know how much I'd like that one.
So I'll leave tomorrow morning about 9. I'll probably come back around
8 pm. I'll try and stop by and see my pastor before I leave. I'm
guessing he's shocked by the news that I'm gay. He didn't reply to
that email yet, but he did reply a different email that I sent him
today. For some people, hearing that someone is gay is like hearing
that the person is living in adultery and has no intention of stopping.
It's sad that people think homosexuality is a sin, but thankfully
society is changing. Miscegenation used to be considered a sin as
well, but the church slowly changed and today very few consider
inter-racial marriages sinful. The same excuse is being used against
same-gender relationships as was used against mixed-race
relationships, "God doesn't like it." Oh how we love to use God to
justify our own prejudices.
Tuesday, August 24th, 1999.
"Right about now, the funkshow brother, check it out now, the funkshow
brother." I don't know what the hell Fatboy Slim is talking about, but
this is a pretty catchy little song. Oh well, I should get to my journal.
Today I went down to Anderson for the interview with the lady from the
Fortville Americorp. The interview took all of 20 minutes. She could
have called collect and saved me 7 hours of driving time, but oh well,
it went okay. I spent most of the day on campus. Saw some old friends,
it was good. But I can say with certainty that I'm glad I'm done with
that place. I would do a lot of things different if I was back in school.
For one, I would be honest about my sexuality. For another, I would major
in social work instead of computers. But too late, stop dwelling on the
past. It's good to be out of school. But around 8 pm I left for home,
and got home about 11 pm. My dad was just leaving for work so I didn't
get a chance to talk to him, but I guess while I was away my mom talked to
him and told him that I was gay. She left me a note that said "Kelly,
I talked to dad. It was not as big a shock to him as me. He still
loves you as much as before. We will always love you. Sleep tight, mom."
To say the least, I was very surprised. I thought my dad would be shocked,
mad, hurt, and disappointed. But my dad is fairly good at hiding his
emotions (at least around me) so I don't know what he really thinks, but
I'm glad he knows now. I just want to be happy in life. I can't be
happy living a straight man's life, married to a woman that I don't love.
I have to be who I am. I'm gay, and I'm very lucky to have parents who
love me no matter who I am. "Right about now, the funkshow brother, check
it out now, the funkshow brother; right about now, the funkshow brother,
check it out now, the funkshow brother!"
Wednesday, August 25th, 1999.
I'm not going to write much today because I'm tired, and really not
much happened. It's good to be out of the closet, I'm enjoying life
outside. I'm not necessarily doing anything different than usual,
but just the fact that my parents know I'm gay and that they accept me
for who I am is like a heavy burden has been lifted from my shoulders.
And it's very good. I made it to the Barnes and Nobles Gay/Lesbian
Reading Group tonight. We had read "The Family Heart" which is a
mother's story about when her son came out. Ironic that this is the
book we were reading given my own circumstances. It was a decent
book, but nothing to write home about. I haven't finished it yet.
But the reading group is a lot of fun. Just being out with other
gay men and women is good. We have a good time, and talk about a lot
of other things. The book is usually the starting point, but we
tangentalize very quickly. We of course had to talk about my coming
out to my parents. I had told them last month that I was ready to
come out, so they wanted to know if I had gone through with it.
We talked about movies--it turns out that there is a good video store
downtown that I'll have to check out. They tell me it has a very
large selection of gay/lesbian videos. I'll have to go there
tomorrow--the Family Video I go to is really cheap, but they don't
have too many gay/lesbian videos. We talked about maybe doing
something Labor day. There's a really gay-friendly town in Michigan
that we may go up to. There's a gay bar there that they say is
pretty good. So we'll see. Tomorrow I'm going to call the south bend
and elkhart branches of americorp ask them some questions (what
are my chances of getting in, when do you start) and then I'll
make up my mind about where I want to spend the next year of my life.
My heart seems to be wanting to go with the South Bend program.
The elkhart program seems easier to me, but I have a heart-obligation
towards the homeless. I want to work with the homeless. They are
such beautiful people, I love em. But of course their beauty is hidden
because society has stepped on them and treated them like dirt. But
ah.. I'm going to bed. Good night.
Thursday, August 26th, 1999.
I tried calling both of the Americorp offices, but no answer. So I left messages and will try again in the morning. I think I'm going to go with the South Bend program. But I really wish I could hear some confirmation about whether or not the program is going to run and if they have room! But I did make it to the video store that Amy and Dave (from the Gay/Lesbian Reading Group at Barnes and Nobles) suggested. It took me a while to find the place. I ended up in Michigan somehow and I was about to give up finding the place when I turned around headed south and found that I was on the right road and right there was the video store! Okay, well, I'm glad I did find it, they have a great gay/lesbian section! They have the 5 movies for 5 days for 5 dollars deal, so I picked: "And The Band Played On", "Wild Reeds", "Beautiful Thing", "Boyfriends", and "The Lost Language Of Cranes". All of them are gay oriented movies. I've watched Wild Reeds today. It was a decent movie, but I don't think it lived up to the hype. I guess it didn't have enough kiss scenes (!) or humor to keep me glued to the screen. But it was decent. I'm getting ready to watch "Beautiful Thing" but I thought I should write something before I get too tired. Things are going pretty good. It sort of feels like I'm in a "don't ask, don't tell" situation at home. My parents know that I'm gay, but they don't want to think about it. I think they wish they could forget that I told them, so they act like I didn't, but now whenever the subject turns around to anything with a slight homosexual theme in it the room sort of gets quieter than before. Even something as normal as "Isn't Will and Grace on tonight?" leads to a quick change of subject "I don't know, Frasier's on." I don't know how to describe it, it's just wierd. But I realize that my parents just need time to adjust to this. It took me years to go from denial to acceptance. It would be niave of me to think my parents won't take some time to go from denial/confusion to every-day acceptance as well. But at least I can now rent a movie like "Beautiful Things" and not have to lie about it. In fact, I think I'll go watch it now. - - - Post Script: Just finished watching Beautiful Things. Wow. It was such a beautiful movie. I loved it. And this one did have enough humor and kiss scenes to keep me glued to it. The british accents were sometimes irritating (they don't say their H's, "did somebody it you?") but it was okay. It was so sweet, and so sad. A good coming of age movie for gay teens. I think I'll write a review of it sometime this weekend. Excellent movie.
Saturday, August 28th, 1999.
I went to Chicago with Bob and Larry today. I spent the night at their house last night. I left my house Friday went to the gym and went straight to their place, got there about 7. We ate dinner (I had a veggy sub) and then watched "Breakfast at Tiffany's." It was a sweet, romantic movie from the 60's. Old movies has a sweet quality about them. We went to bed about 11 so we could get up and go around 8. I woke up at 8, took a shower and we left around 8:30 for Chicago. Bob and Larry have been living together for three years now, they make a great couple. I met them through the internet. I didn't know any gay persons in the area so meeting them was great. It gave me someone to talk to if I ever needed to. I'm still pretty shy around people I don't know that well, but they are great people. They knew I had just come out recently, so they wanted to take me up to Boys Town, the gayest district in Chicago. First we stopped and ate in a restaurant called "The Bagel." It was good, I had a vegetarian chili and a salad. Boys Town was awesome. The signs on the street were rainbow flags with the words "A Proud Community" blazed across the front. In between the street lights were gold light posts with rainbow rings in the middle. There was no doubt you were in the gay part of town. Not to mention the surplus of good looking men. I would love to see that place at night! We went into a few stores. The first was a general interest gay store, with the normal postcards, t-shirts, calendars, stickers, and other-such gay-pride memorabilia. It was really cool, I wish I could find that stuff in South Bend. Then we went to a clothing store called We're Everywhere (W.E.). It was cool as well to see all the different clothing, and of course they had the trademark 2-xist underwear (which I would love, but could never afford). Finally we stopped off at an Adult shop down the road. Because it was in the gay district, they of course we stocked full of gay porn. I won't tell you if I bought anything, I'll let you guess how much of a "sinner" and how much of a "saint" I am. After seeing the many colors of Boys Town we went over to Navy Pier. It was pretty neat, but it was very hot walking out in the sun. (Then again, because of the heat a lot of guys were shirtless, so I'm not complaining). It was neat to see all the boats and guys and shops and guys everywhere. We stayed there for about an hour and half. By then we were getting tired from being up all day and decided to head back to Indiana, the land of closet-gays and homophobic bliss. We got back to Bob and Larry's about 7 and I headed back to my house. I was bored when I got home so I went out to the video store and rented "Go" as well as a movie called "Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss" which I've been wanting to see for a while but haven't been able to find. I guess I'll watch them both later tonight or tomorrow. Speaking of tomorrow, I need to go find a part time job. I just need to pick a few hours each week because until Americorp stars I have nothing to do, and when Americorp starts, it won't pay much. Oh yeah, and tomorrow's Sunday, so I gotta make it to church. Well, that's my weekend.
Sunday, August 29th, 1999.
I didn't go to church this morning. No reason, just overslept. In the end, I didn't really do anything today. In fact, I only left the house once, at 11 pm to take my movies back. I had rented, and watched, "Go" and "Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss" and they were due back tonight. Go was dumb. Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss was great. But really I did nothing today. Sort of pathetic. I watched "Boyfriends" which sucked (no pun intended), and "And The Band Played On" which was really good. I didn't even do anything on the internet or this home page today. Summer is making me lazy. The guy from Americorp gets back Wednesday, I need to talk to him and see what's going on! Well, I'm going to go upload this week's edition of the Journals (which isn't much) and go read a magazine.
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