Monday, August 16, 1999
Well, I just completed the last final exam of my college career. I
am done with college. I've graduated. But to be honest, it doesn't
seem like that big of a deal. I'm not excited to be done. I do look
forward to moving out and getting a place of my own, to starting a
new life, to getting a job, to being who I am. But I guess the
excitement phase hasn't hit me yet. And honestly, I'm not really sure
what to do now. Obviously I need to find a job. Had I known
when I was going to graduate perhaps I would have had a job lined up
already, but I didn't, and I don't. So I guess I'll begin the job
search. And I guess searching for a job doesn't really excite me
that much. But I suppose before you get to the scenic outlooks you
have to hike through a monotonous trail of trees and dirt. I guess
I had better lace up my hiking boots and update my resume. Tomorrow?
Tuesday, August 17, 1999
Today was just a day. Nothing special went on. Sort of boring, sort
of not. Went to the store and got some dress clothes for the job
fair saturday. Went to Barnes and Nobles with my mother and noticed
the new issue XY Magazine (my favorite gay mag ever) was on sale.
Of course I didn't buy it with my mother standing by (there's a
picture of half-naked man on the cover), but of course I had to go
back that night and buy it. But I didn't do too much else. Watched
the two episodes of Will and Grace (the best comedy ever) [my mother's
comments, "you must really like that show, I've never heard you laugh
that much."--she says that like every week it seems like] and then I
watched the Real World. Those are the only two shows I still watch
faithfully. Aside from being the only two shows with gay stars, they
are a just great shows. I love em.
Wednesday, August 18, 1999
Today I did a lot of thinking about what I want done in my life.
Where I want to be. Hell, who I want to be. I was at the gym
talking to one of the trainers about my commitment level, and
I guess that's what sparked this all. I just joined this gym
last Friday, so this is like what my third visit. And I enjoy
working out, and I want to get in shape. But am I going to stick
with it. As I drove around town, to various places for various
things, that's what I had to ask myself, am I going to stick with
who I want to be. I've successfully been a vegan (haven't eaten
any meat, and have rarely eaten dairy products) for about 7 months.
I've been honest about my sexuality for about 4 months now (although
granted, not out to everyone). I'm in the process of finding a job
(job fair this saturday). And now I'm in the process of getting
back into shape and eating healthy. What are my motivations for
getting into shape. Well, number one, I want to look better. Number
two, I want to feel better. I enjoy swing dancing, but in my shape,
I'm out of breath and sweating like crazy after 25 minutes of
East Coast and Charleston, let alone Lindy Hop! I want that to
change. So joining a gym was one step I've been wanting to take.
And I'm pretty much gym-illiterate, so, so far I like Fitness
USA since it does have the trainers there to walk you through your
routine to personally make it fit your level. And I can feel it.
Or I should say, I can feel how badly out of shape I am! But it's
good. Now I just need to cut out the snacks. I've successfully given
up caffeine, which wasn't, but I just wish my mom would stop buying
so many snacks. They just spell out temptation. Oh well, I'm
getting better. And I'm happy with were I'm headed. Well, I'm
heading to Anderson tomorrow to go swing dancing with some friends.
It should be a lot of fun. Then Saturday I have a job fair to go
to in south bend, maybe something will turn up. I guess only
the future knows what the future holds. We shall find out. Oh yeah,
and I took the stud out of my ear and put in a ring. I like it. ;)
Thursday, August 19th, 1999
Today I went down to Anderson. The Indiana State Fair is running in
Indy this week, and today was Swing Day. Several local swing bands
that we were familiar with were playing and we went down to listen
and dance. It was a lot of fun. Kelly Jay Orchestra was playing when
we got there--They're the band that usually plays in Fountain Square
on Friday nights. After that we listened to two more groups.
13 O'clock was the main group that played the last set. They were
really good, and the trumpet player was really good looking. ;) It
started pouring down rain during their last song. Pouring. We ran up
to bleachers and sat it out. When the rain finally lifted we left.
I'm spending the night at Linda Anderson's house. She seems to be
pretty cool with the fact that I'm gay. I think her more
fundamentalist beliefs tell her that it's a sin, but we're still able
to joke around about what guys we both think are good looking.
Green shirt man gets my vote. I'd let him teach me to swing any day.
Well, I'm going to bed. Tommorow I'm going with Aimee Bough to
Americorp where she is now working to see if I might want to work there.
Friday, August 20th, 1999
I couldn't really sleep for a long time. Partly because I wasn't used
to going to bed so early. (I tried to go to sleep by 11 because I had
to get up at 7). But mainly because I couldn't stop thinking about
my family. I'm so ready to tell them that I'm gay, I must have played
out my coming out scene a hundred times as I laid in bed. My dad's
gone for the weekend, so I really want to take advantage of this
opportunity and talk with my mom and sister. I thought endlessly of
what words I should use to tell them this. "Mom, can I talk to you
for a minute. I had a lot of fun while I was down in Anderson.
And you know how I like going to church, and I like hanging out with
my friends in the area. Mom, part of the reason I really like
doing all that is because all of those people know something that I've
been afraid to tell you. Well, you might already know, because I've
never been good at hiding things, but mom, I'm gay. [pause] I guess
I've been afraid of telling you and dad all this because I was afraid
I might lose you, but I just have to be honest, I hate lying and
pretending to be someone that I'm not." I want to tell my mom all of
this when I get back. I hope and pray that I won't chicken out again.
I want to come clean. The words will probably be totally different
and I'll probably cry (I cried just thinking about it in bed), but I
have to do it. I have to be who I am.
Friday, August 20th, 1999. Part 2
I went with Aimee to the elementary school where she's working there
with the Americorp program. Until she was telling me about the
program I wasn't really aware of Americorp's existence, let alone
all of what they did. It really sounds like a great program. It's
more service work than a professional job, and as such you don't get
paid a professional salary, rather you get a bi-weekly living stipend.
The project running out of Pendleton works with two local elementary
schools helping certain kids get a step up. I love kids, and the
program sounded really interesting, so I'm going to have to really
think about the program and see if I might be interested in joining.
At the end while I was filling out the application I was talking
with another one of the girls in the program, and for some reason she
brought up the principal and said "I think he's gay." I laughed because
he burst into the room that morning singing "r-e-s-p-e-c-t" and was very
flamboyant. But she tells me that he's married and has children, and how
she thinks it must be sad for his wife to be married to a gay guy (even
if he's in denial). Well, I don't know if he's gay, but I told the girl
that when I first saw him enter the room my exact thoughts were, "Well, I
can see this place isn't going to discriminate based on sexual
orientation." It was just funny, but it was great to know that if I
do work there, that my coworkers won't have a problem with my sexuality.
Anyways, the job fair is tomorrow, so I'll still go to that and see what's
available around South Bend. They also tell me there's an environmental
americorp branch in Elkhart. Maybe I'll look into that as well. The
truth is simple that I don't really know what I want to do. I was
on campus again today, and although part of me wishes I wasn't done yet,
I know that I don't belong there any more. I'm a graduate. But it was
good to see some people I knew on campus while I was there. It's a good
school. Well, tonight we're going swing dancing. It's Linda's
birthday today, so we're also going to go out to eat. Happy Birthday Linda
Anderson! It should be a lot of fun. I'll write again tomorrow, I've
writen way too much today.
Saturday, August 21st, 1999
I did it. Thursday night I said it took me a while to fall asleep
because I kept thinking about how I wasn't being honest with my
mother about a part of me. Well, I finally told her the truth about
me being gay. I'm so glad that I'm finally being honest. It was
so hard hiding it. She was totally caught of guard, like most of
the people that find out I'm gay. (Though a big number of people
said, "Yeah, I figured as much."). She probably needs some time
to work through things, but she reassured me of her love and that
really meant a lot to me. I was right too, I cried. I couldn't help
it. I couldn't talk for a while. But I got through it. I did it.
Saturday, August 21st, 1999. Part 2
I should write about how swing dancing went Friday night. It was
Linda's birthday so we first ate at an Italian restaraunt. I swear
to you one of the waitresses there looked like a cross between
David Spade and Leonardo DiCaprio. I told the people we were with
that I thought she resembelled those people and they thought I was
crazy. But I swear it. I told Linda, "Don't you think she would be
really cute if she was a guy?" She just cracked up laughing and didn't
answer my question. Well, I would date her if she was a guy. ;)
Well, after dinner we went out dancing at Fountain Square. Linda
surprised us by bring along our friend Cheri, who we hadn't seen in
the longest time. She was working in a program in New Jersey
with at-risk youth. She's such a great person, and I was so glad
to see her again. We taught her to swing dance and she caught on
really quick. It was a lot of fun. I dressed up in shirt/tie and
suspenders and had a blast. Me and Aimee left at about 11 pm because
she had to get up at 7 am and I had to drive 4 hours home.
Anyways, now I'm back home and deciding what I want to do with the
next year of my life. Americorp has some great programs and I'll
be calling them all Monday and making a decision really quickly. Well,
I have church early in the morning and I do not want to miss it. I
overslept last week.
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